The guilt that I feel sometimes about not being able to feel satisfied about where my life is right now is sometimes annoyingly palpable. Is there something wrong with me because I’m not happy with what I have? I want to see what else is out there and I want to explore and challenge myself and see the world. See what can make me come alive? I have this undeniable feeling that there is something more out there for me. Even though I have everything I could possibly need right here. Right here in this beautiful apartment with my mom and my sister. How can things get any better when I have all the love I could possibly need right here in from of my eyes? Am I just really selfish and ungrateful?

I know I can work on the grateful side cause it’s easy to fall into the mundane routines of life and forget how lucky I am in the mist of living a partially unconscious life where you go through the motions. But now that I’m ready to step out of that, I see how blindly I’ve been living.

You’re in charge of your own life and no one can really dictate that. You’re a free human being who can make all the choices in the world for yourself. If I choose to come back to New York because this is where my life is and where I am happiest then I want to choose to do it knowing that I’ve satisfied my curiosity itch. I’ll know that this is the best place and I’ll know that this is my decision that I made consciously.

I think I feel so strongly about this because I’ve been blissfully ignorant for a lot of my life. I was blindly happy.  On the surface happy. When everything was shattered, and after my depression, that’s when reality really set in and I got to see the world in all it’s colors. All it’s disgusting-ness and all it’s magnificent beauty. It’s only after that that I got to see the lowest of the low and highest of the high of life.

Yes, I feel guilty sometimes that I’m doing this, I feel privileged that I can even think of doing something like this. But why not take advantage. What’s the alternative? Living a life that I know is unconscious and not what I really want? Isn’t that how people get really sick? I have this undeniable urge to go. And I need to just go.

I wish I could allow myself to let go… I often worry about what others think of me… like I have money and therefore I’m able to do this even though everyone else wants to do it as well. But I think that I’ve built up the know-how and the courage by working on my personal development for the past 3 years intensely. I worked on it. I cultivated courage and I’m deserving of it. I earned it. It’s mine and no one can question it or take it away from me. I will use it to it’s full potential and discover the world with it.

I wish I didn’t care so much about what people thought but I also don’t think that’s very healthy. You don’t live alone, nor can you. You need people. Relationships are the hardest things but they’re so worth it. Maybe you do need to get away and see how much it actually does mean to you, how much I’ve been taking it for granted. I’d rather know first hand and never take it for granted again then to just take peoples words for it and live by that. I’m in charge of my own life and decisions now and if I need this for my own development and discovery, no one can say otherwise. No one can define this journey for me, that’s my job and mine only.

Other’s can only guess.

March 5, 2016

Leave a Reply