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The following is just a story
This isn’t what actually happened
Because nothing led to simply this
This unknowable and indescribable empty love
Anything you read can’t be applied to you, it will naturally vary
But if you must know the details of how it was perceived once upon a time,
then here is ‘my’ limited and imaginary take on it
Understand that none of it matters
Not even in the slightest
It all disappeared
It’s all just empty words
. . . nothing ever happened
[Written sometime in 2022-2023]
Since a young age, there was a longing for freedom, truth and God.
I started seeking for an answer from others because it seemed clear that I didn’t know anything. Everyone else seemed like they did. I felt insecure and unworthy, so I pretended to know. I copied my sister’s beliefs and took them on as my own. Then my parents, teachers, friends, bosses, coaches, therapists, religions, gurus, spiritual teachers, radical speakers… and they all had their place in the doing and undoing of ‘me’. It was a long road of searching, and all I see now is love in it all. Everything that was picked up as a truth, eventually was dropped when it was time. They all played a role in realizations, insights, shifts and exhausting the seeking. Building and breaking down the identity. It definitely wasn’t comfortable to say the least but often that seems like the name of the game.
In the end, it all vanished with the sense of ‘me’. And it’s clear that no-one ever knew anything. In fact, the root knowing that ‘I exist’ just dissolves.
And then there’s just boundless freedom. A freedom that can’t be described or known. A love that was timelessly this. It’s just pure unknowing and that is the peace and rest that all seeking longs for. And it never left, it was never found, it was always the case. It was hidden in plain sight. The seeking for it is the illusory veil.
It’s crazy that all of this leads to the end of the sense that needs or wants it. So no-one gets enlightened or awakens or can claim this in any way.
There doesn’t seem to be a final and ultimate truth. It’s just all unknown. I’m back to being a baby basically, the body is just more development and mature. The intellect, opinions and preferences are there but much lighter, free to be used and expressed but no longer ‘mine’. They just don’t have the gripping ownership anymore. There’s only pure wonderment.
Knowing that ‘I AM’ is the very foundation of the dream. It’s a beautifully horrific dream. An amazing experience. Looking back, it’s like a blip, even though there were these seeming real moments where I felt like I wasn’t worthy enough to exist. All of that disappeared. Wiped clean as if it never happened. There’s no need to run from it but seeking can’t help but be a movement of ‘not this’.
All that can be said is that all the seeking and suffering was absolute perfection. It too is unconditional love. It’s impossible to understand or believe this. Unconditional love just is and its void of any quality, meaning or value. It’s completely empty. Maybe on some level, you can recognize this.
Nothing was ever wrong… even when I was neglected, abused and taken advantage of. No-one did any of that. And in the end, it didn’t really happen the way I so strongly believed it did.
But that being said, in the story, there was a long road of recovery and healing. Strengthening my ability to hold my own suffering and fully feel the pain, little by little. Nurturing myself back to health and learning that I needed to be treated with respect and love. Learning to stand up for myself. Learning the reasons why I suffered so much. It was a difficult and bumpy road to say the least. And support seemed essential at times. This was a time of reconditioning the body, it just felt like ‘I’ was doing it at the time, but in hind-sight, it’s just what suffering does, it can make us change, grow and learn. And in the end, it can just become obvious that no-one was at the center of any of that.
Perfection of the body and total healing isn’t possible. Learning and maturing just seems to be a natural movement that happens in most living organism. Only when ‘I’ disappeared was it revealed that the imperfections and flaws were absolute unconditional love as well. The entirety of the dream of a separate individual is this wholeness already, no matter what it feels like.
Life is really unpredictable, and in the end nothing makes sense, nothing was as linear as we once believed it to be. The whole path dissolves. The need to know dissolves. And the whole movement of seeking is revealed to be a very small loop.
I seem to enjoy laying out and describing the over-arching mechanisms at play now that the tunnel vision of seeking has burst. I enjoy supporting other’s on their unique journey and being a sort of guide or reflection for them.
I prefer gentle healing, strengthening the body’s capacity to soothe itself while talking through the hurt of the past. All the while knowing on some level that none of it is actually solid and real. This is a full embrace of all the colors of life, the human experience doesn’t need to be rejected, in fact, in the end all of it is embraced one way or another. Either willingly or through kicking and screaming. A heck of a lot of that happened here but that too was needed to see the futility of the fight.
Life is chaotic, it was never in your control. This was never my life to begin with.
When the imaginary fight is over, all that remains is life… pure rest… the end of need.
– Suzanne
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In the past, I was an artist and designer. During this time, the longing for freedom intensified and I followed what felt most true in every given moment. Currently, I offer 1:1 sessions and patreon group meetings.
Be very cautious when you read the descriptions below, it may fabricate stuck-ness and importance, none of it got ‘me’ to this. In fact, once I really heard the radical or uncompromising message, everything that was hiding and underneath the spiritual identity (which was all of me… the new, higher, better, purified, awakened, superior, compassionate, loving, peaceful, calm, etc.), was finally able to emerge. Oh, and I met a dear friend who also happened to be dying.
And that was the very beginning of the death of me
What ensued was / is documented on youtube and patreon
The total loss of my whole reality
Disturbingly glorious… I went out kicking and screaming
Sad, confused and lost
bitter and angry
With much welcomed glimmers of this neutral emptiness
Life felt so unfair and brutal
And I would say that this is often the case
because this is not by choice
It does not happen through your will
because that doesn’t actually exist
And what was revealed was simply this
The stunning magnificence of absolutely nothing
And there’s mainly just gratitude for all of it now
Thank f*cking God I lost everything
Nothing worked out for me
And all there is is complete silence
Thoughts, feelings, words, stillness, movement
Everything is complete silence
Everything is the same
That’s true peace
. . .
Of course, that’s all a story as well
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PAST EXPERIENCE
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CERTIFICATIONS
900-hr Yoga Teacher Training || Mumbai, India || 2019
3 months of intensive training and teaching practice in Ashtanga and Classical Yoga techniques including asanas, pranayama, kriyas, ayurvedic medicine, the 4 paths of yoga, yogic philosophy (sutras, samkhya, bhagavad gita), chakra psychology & therapy, mysticism, dance movement therapy and meditation
200-hr Yoga Teacher Training || Doi Saket, Thailand || 2016
One month of intensive training in Classical Yoga and meditation with a huge focus on Yoga Sutras of Patanjali
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EXPERIENCE
Meditation Instructor & Guide || Remote || 2021
Guiding clients to presence and awareness while using a combination of pointers including: self-inquiry, being present with challenging emotions, self-empowerment, processing childhood trauma while providing a wider perspective based on non-dual philosophy. Sessions provide a deeper understanding of oneself and a sense of validation & belonging. Cultivating a greater possibility for self-acceptance and inner peace by strengthening their capacity to be with all aspects of themselves.
Yoga & Meditation Instructor || NYC & Remote || 2017-2018
Focused on guiding clients through psychological and physical ailments. Sessions were designed intuitively to cater to each clients’ specific needs & ailments
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RETREATS & COURSES
Embodied Awareness || Remote || 2021
Embodiment, self-inquiry, resting as awareness & I AM, basic therapy and healing childhood trauma
Self-Guided Retreat || Institute & Nunnery || Dharamshala, India || 2020
Solo retreat focused on refining self-practice, further study & application of Buddhism, contemplative & western psychology, non-duality and self-realization teachings
Winter Retreat || Institute & Nunnery || Dharamshala, India || 2020
Guided retreat, aimed at developing a deeper understanding and practice of Shamatha meditation grounded within the Mahayana Buddhist tradition
Introduction to Buddhism || Tushita Meditation Center || Dharamshala, India || 2019
Tibetan Buddhist philosophy and meditation from a modern perspective aimed to help apply this ancient wisdom for increased peace, happiness and compassion in daily life
Goenka Vipassana Meditation Center || Jaipur, India || 2019
Meditation course focused on the body-scan technique with daily Dhamma talks
Doisuthep Vipassana Meditation Center || Chiang Mai, Thailand || 2016
Vipassana Meditation that focused on breathing, body-scan & walking meditations with chanting twice a day and evening Dhamma talks
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