At a young age, there was a longing for freedom, truth and god.
I was pretty sure that I didn’t know anything but I felt like I should. Everyone else seemed like they did. I felt insecure and unworthy, so I pretended to know. I copied my sister’s beliefs and took them on as my own. Then my parents, teachers, friends, bosses, coaches, therapists, religions, gurus, spiritual teachers, radical speakers… and they all had their place in the doing and undoing of ‘me’. It was a long road of searching for an answer, and all I see now is love for everything. In a way it did make me what I am today, so to speak, even though they were picked up as truths and eventually dropped when it was time. They all played a role in exhausting the seeking. Building and breaking down the identity. It definitely wasn’t comfortable to do this over and over but ultimately, there was no-one in control of any of it. Eventually, there was a natural surrender.
In the end, it all vanished with the sense of ‘me’.
And then there was boundless freedom. A freedom that can’t be described or known. A love that was timelessly this. It’s just pure unknowing and that is the peace and rest that seeking longs for. And it never left, it was always the case. It was hidden in plain sight. The seeking for it is the veil.
It’s crazy that all of this leads to the end of the sense that needs or wants it. So no-one gets enlightened or awakens.
There doesn’t seem to be a final and ultimate truth. It’s just all unknown. I’m back to being a baby basically, the body is just more development and mature. The intellect, opinions and preferences are still there, free to be used and expressed. They just don’t have the gripping ownership wrapped around it. There’s only pure wonderment. And it was always the case. It may have just been hidden or veiled. And ironically, that veil was this unknowing appearing as knowing.
Knowing that ‘I AM’ is the very foundation of the dream. It’s a beautifully horrific dream. An amazing experience. Looking back, it’s like a blip, even though there were these seeming real moments where I felt like I wasn’t worthy enough to exist. All of that disappeared. Wiped clean as if it never happened. There’s no need to run from it but seeking can’t help but be a movement of ‘not this’.
All that can be said is that all the seeking and suffering was absolute perfection. It too is unconditional love. It’s impossible to understand or believe this. Unconditional love just is and its void of any quality, meaning or value. It’s completely empty. Maybe on some level, you can recognize this.
Nothing was ever wrong… even when I was neglected, abused and taken advantage of. No-one did any of that. And in the end, it didn’t really happen the way I believed it did.
But that being said, in the story, there was a long road of recovery and healing. Strengthening my ability to hold my own suffering and fully feel the pain, little by little. Nurturing myself back to health and learning that I needed to be treated with respect and love. Learning to stand up for myself. Learning the reasons why I suffered so much. It was a difficult and bumpy road to say the least. And support seemed essential at times. This was a time of reconditioning the body, it just felt like I was doing it at the time, but in hind-sight, it’s just what suffering does, it can make us change, grow and learn. And in the end, it can just become obvious that no-one was at the center of any of that.
Perfection and total healing isn’t possible. Learning and maturing just seems to be a natural movement that happens in most living organism. Only when ‘I’ disappeared was it revealed that the imperfections and flaws were absolute unconditional love as well. The entirety of the dream of a separate individual is this wholeness already, no matter what it feels like.
Life is really unpredictable, and in the end nothing makes sense, nothing was as linear as we once believed it to be. The whole path dissolves. The need to know dissolves. And the whole movement of seeking is revealed to be a very small loop.
I seem to enjoy laying out and describing the over-arching mechanisms at play now that the tunnel vision of seeking has burst. I enjoy supporting other’s on their unique journey and being a sort of guide or reflection for them.
I prefer gentle healing, strengthening the body’s capacity to soothe itself while talking through the hurt of the past. All the while knowing on some level that none of it is actually solid and real. This is a full embrace of all the colors of life, the human experience doesn’t need to be rejected but even the rejection and struggle is absolute perfection.
Life is never just sunshine and rainbows, the challenges are equally part of it too.
Much love, Suzanne
In my past career, I was an artist and designer. During this time, the longing for freedom intensified and I followed what felt most true in every given moment. Currently, I’m really enjoying 1:1 sessions and patreon group meetings, I simply meet others where they are and intuition takes the lead. Some techniques, practices and advice may be offered if it feels relevant. I am open to discussing anything from self-help, the spiritual path, the radical message, etc. I don’t really see a distinction anymore. Nothing is off limits.
The Yoga Institute || 900-hr Yoga Teacher Training || Mumbai, India || 2019
3 months of intensive training and teaching practice in Ashtanga and Classical Yoga techniques including asanas, pranayama, kriyas, ayurvedic medicine, the 4 paths of yoga, yogic philosophy (sutras, samkhya, bhagavad gita), chakra psychology & therapy, mysticism, dance movement therapy and meditation
Wise Living Yoga Academy || 200-hr Yoga Teacher Training || Doi Saket, Thailand || 2016
One month of intensive training in Classical Yoga and meditation with a huge focus on Yoga Sutras of Patanjali
Meditation Instructor & Guide || Remote || July – Oct. 2021
Guiding clients to presence and awareness while using a combination of pointers including: self-inquiry, being present with challenging emotions, self-empowerment, processing childhood trauma while providing a wider perspective based on non-dual philosophy. Sessions provide a deeper understanding of oneself and a sense of validation & belonging. Cultivating a greater possibility for self-acceptance and inner peace by strengthening their capacity to be with all aspects of themselves.
Yoga & Meditation Instructor || NYC & Remote || Jan. 2017 – March 2018
Focused on guiding clients through psychological and physical ailments. Sessions were designed intuitively to cater to each clients’ specific needs & ailments
RETREATS & COURSES
Embodied Awareness Retreats w/ Louise Kay || Remote || Jan. – July 2021
7 months dedicated to truth, embodiment, self-inquiry, resting as awareness & the ‘I AM’ and including the sensations in the body, healing childhood trauma and strengthening the nervous system.
Self-Guided Retreat || Thosamling Institute & Nunnery || Dharamshala, India || Jan. – Sept. 2020
8 months of solo retreat focused on refining self-practice, further study & application of Buddhism, contemplative & western psychology, nonduality and self-realization teachings of Ramana Maharshi, Nisargadatta Maharaj, Adyashanti, Mooji and Rupert Spira
Winter Retreat || Thosamling Institute & Nunnery || Dharamshala, India || 2020
2 month guided retreat aimed at developing a deeper understanding and practice of Shamatha meditation grounded within the Mahayana Buddhist tradition
Introduction to Buddhism || Tushita Meditation Center || Dharamshala, India || 2019
10-day course covering Tibetan Buddhist philosophy and meditation from a modern perspective aimed to help apply this ancient wisdom for increased peace, happiness and compassion in daily life
Goenka Vipassana Meditation Center || Jaipur, India || 2019
10-day intensive meditation course focused on the body-scan technique with daily Dhamma talks
Doisuthep Vipassana Meditation Center || Chiang Mai, Thailand || 2016
2 weeks of intensive practice of Vipassana Meditation that focused on breathing, body-scan & walking meditations with chanting twice a day and evening Dhamma talks