SUZANNE NEVER EXISTED
Without the sense of ‘me,’ there’s no longer an individual who owns a life… who owns thoughts, feelings, words and actions. There’s no-one here who has a past or future. There is no ‘now’ or ‘present moment.’ There’s only this. There’s only pure life. There has never been any separation, it just may appear that way. This is total wholeness, complete infinity and that can’t be known or understood. This is a total mystery.
So I can tell you a story about an apparent journey that never really happened. But it’s just for fun. There are still energetic remnants in this apparent body, there are still memories of an apparent life and journey. This is a recollection by no-one of a progression of events that never happened. This story won’t give you any hints because every apparent unfolding is so vasty different. There is no rhyme or reason to any of it. Nothing caused already just this. Already home. Already utter perfection. Nothing ever happened. No-one woke-up. No-one became enlightened. No-one discovered the truth. It was always this empty fullness. This total vibrant and alive nothing-ness.
WITH THAT SAID… HERE’S MY STORY
I’m a Korean American, born and raised in New York. I come from a wonderful family that had their own unique traumatic happenings. I was an annoyingly happy kid (as my sister would say) up until around the age of 10, oblivious of the wounding that was going on. There was a lot of rejection, neglect, emotional trauma and plenty of darkness and depression in our home. This shaped me into a persona that wanted to desperately fix this and all I wanted was to see others happy. Constantly attempting to take their pain away. I got used to carrying the burden for others and was rewarded for doing so. Even when I really didn’t want to, I forced myself to still give and be there for others. It became a very suffocating and debilitating way of living and it eventually became too much.
In my early-20’s, I became an avid spiritual seeker. I was desperate for an answer to my deteriorating health, intense social anxiety, critical self-obsession, magnetism toward abusive relationships and sexual trauma. I flip-flopped between being a humble, generous, compassionate person to an erratic, angry and depressed one… The hurt that was experienced when I would bond with others was so immense that I ended up just fucking it all, leaving it all behind and attempting to be on my own. I desperately wanted to be independent and self-sufficient… to the extreme. I didn’t want to need anyone else for anything. My way of escaping was travel. I was never settled in one place for long and enjoyed a nomadic lifestyle. For many years, I thrived on this home-less sense of freedom.
During this period, I scrambled to heal myself, very rarely asking for help. There were many spiritual teachers and figures that I followed from a distance, but after 8 years of stubbornly being on my own, one particular teacher deeply resonated and she became my main source of truth, wisdom, love, comfort and belonging. In a sense, this non-existent connection seemed to allow for a re-parenting process to take place. It was a slow, painful and transformative time. This character apparently was re-conditioned to become less self-degrading & neglectful and more self-accepting & loving. The body became stronger and more able to be with intense discomfort, pain, anger, hatred and sadness. All the so-called ‘negative’ feelings that are rejected by society.
In the story, all the neglect and suffocation led to radical rebellion. All the deep suffering forced me to make changes, to look at myself, to stop running, to accept all the ‘demons’ and ‘shadows’… at least a large part of them. And rather than seeing them as evil, as a problem, as the reason for my issues… I slowly learned to let them come out and show themselves… because they too are all innocent, all just seeking that love and acceptance that wasn’t provided as a child, all of it was just this. No child can ever be fully seen for all their beauty. Every apparent parent has their own trauma and conditioning that is innocently playing out. Innocently ‘passed down.’ Perhaps this dis-identification and apparent dropping of a conceptual self can be called ‘spiritual awakening’ but this is not the falling away of the ‘me’ sense.
Over apparent time there seemed to be a lot less seeking to escape, for the next experience, next spiritual high, next healing method. I finally settled down and got my own place which was massively triggering but it allowed for an internal resting, a sense of safety and security that was missing for so long.
But even so, the seeking energy was still looking… something was still missing. There was a lot more peace but it still didn’t feel like enough. There was still self-consciousness and someone maintaining a state of presence and peace. One day, this radical non-dual message was heard and it profoundly resonated. There was a lot of relief, despair and fear that arose. And as much as I wanted to forget it at times, there was no escaping this message.
Eventually it became more and more clear that there really was no-one here. There wasn’t a separate entity or individual in the body. There was no doer of deeds. Speaker of words. Thinker of thoughts. Feeler of feelings. That’s all just what’s arising for no-one. The body too is just what is apparently appearing. It too is what is. It too is just this. There was an evenness and equality to everything. There was no difference between this body and another. This body and the tree. This body and the fridge. Location, center, space, time, free-will, progression, cause & effect all seemed to slowly fade away.
That horrifically beautiful ‘me’ sense was a mysterious illusory effect. It wasn’t really real. No-one was born and no-one died. No-one had parents or a sister. No-one ever hurt me and I never hurt anyone. No-one was ever wounded, neglected or traumatized. No-one went on a spiritual healing journey. No-one learned to love themselves more. No-one ever really existed. Nothing ever happened and nothing is happening. All of the so-called programming, conditioning and preferences are just labels and concepts… and the me-sense claimed it, owned it… Unavoidably and innocently. That’s just what it naturally does.
If described and put into words, the non-existent preferences here are: to not see immense pain or suffering, the interest in different characters, the preference to be inclusive, the fondness toward some spiritual teachers, the preference for honesty & authenticity, the love for nature & animals, the joy in dancing & singing & crying, the disgust toward war & murder & rape, the understanding around the conditioning of ‘dictators’ & ‘murderers’ & ‘rapists’, the bodily need for intimacy, the occasional dependency on food, alcohol, attention and entertainment.
The apparent body still gets triggered, craves, resists… Some of these things may ‘change’ or ‘improve’ or it may not. This is just one description from an infinite spectrum of possibilities. Unfolding in whatever way it will, totally unknown and unpredictable. And that was already the case ‘before’ the illusory me-sense fell away. All happening for no-one. Apparent de-conditioning can relieve some pain & suffering and that’s wonderful. But it can also become a burden, a new trap / cage and identity for the ‘me’ that feels like it needs to heal more, love more, accept more, forgive more… it can be never ending because an illusory self can never become whole, fulfilled, enough.
This is not perfection for the apparent character or conditioning… there is no such thing. How would that even look? Peaceful and blissful all the f*cking time? How boring and monotonous would that be. This unconditional perfection is inclusive of all the wild and unique flavors.
There was never a process, and no one was ever on a path… it may just really appear that way. Nothing led to this. Nothing caused this. This is a total and utter mystery that can’t be known, understood or figured out. This is the total end, the destruction of everything. And simultaneously there is only creation and full-on aliveness.
This is unconditional love
This is the Great Heartbreak
This is the loss of everything and nothing
This is always the case, no matter what it looks like
It’s all just this terrifyingly-amazing,
Total vibrant aliveness
Much Love, No-one