Me, myself and I

There seems to be less and less resistance. Less and less ‘logging in’ to what is happening/ Everything’s just happening. For no one. There are moments where self-awareness or consciousness is there to be present, but other than that, everything is just happening and it disappears just like that, as if it never happened… because the less that there’s this personal self-awareness… it just happens to no one… there’s no subject and object. There’s no things happening to a someone. It’s all just mysterious wow-ness happening. There’s no knowing. And the description that there is no-one is also not known. It’s just what’s being said as a description of what is when there isn’t a sense of a separate self. Everything has no boundaries. Everything has no meaning. Everything still just appears to be happening but now there isn’t an individual moving through time, making sense or meaning out of anything, no one is trying to interpret or keep track of what’s going on. There’s no story or narrative anymore. It’s complete void and yet at the same time it’s complete and utter fullness. It’s absolutely. Immediately just this, full-on, wholeness. For no-one. 

This is crazy. 

If the sense of self-awareness arises… it’s happening to no one. And there isn’t really a care about it. There’s actually just fascination and a bit of confusion. Like, what is this? I wasn’t here a second ago and now there’s an awareness. And it’s gone quickly. It’s like I’m getting glimpses of ‘me-ing’ now rather than ‘be-ing’ or ‘no me.’ 

There’s no problem anywhere. Even when there’s confusion about whether to go back home tomorrow or the day after, that too is not a problem. There are problems, but they’re not a problem. It’s just what’s happening and there’s no resistance to them because there isn’t a person here to resist anything. Even if resistance arose, it has no-one to stick to, so it disappears on it’s own and there’s very little memory of it. Then it quickly just is this again.

Nothing sticks. 

Or it seems like less and less is sticking. 

There’s no-one to hold onto anything. 

I think the most devastating thing, before the ‘me’ really gave up control, was that it had planned its life as if it were the most important thing in the world. It itself was the most important thing in the world. ‘Me, myself and I’ was the center of the universe and everything revolved around me. And that’s devastating to really deeply get that it never existed, it’s not really real… living was totally and completely based on that sense, that was the foundation to everything and so much was built on top of it.

And it makes sense why most ‘selves’ don’t dissolve easily. Cause when it’s triggered in the most existential way, if there’s a lot of grasping and holding on and trauma… then that contraction isn’t very likely to dismantle.

This is about survival, life and death, for an illusion but it feels very real for the person because it’s all it knows. It doesn’t really know what it’s like without the ‘me.’ It can’t imagine it, even if it thinks it knows, it doesn’t. How can the ‘me’ know what it’s really like without itself? It’s impossible. Even with glimpses, once the ‘me’ is back, it claims it, owns it and puts it in its timeline and it can’t help but do that. 

This can’t be known or predicted.