I can kind of understand when non-dual speakers say that there isn’t really a knowing or recognition of the absence of the person, of the centralized energetic contraction that makes everything in relation to itself. It automatically sticks to the thoughts and emotions.
I feel as if I’m automatically opening to the tensions, sensations as I listen to non-duality. So any fear or anxiety that may arise is just felt in the moment. And I feel as if all the seeming ‘training’ of being present with the sensations and not believing the story in the mind has helped dissipate the more intense build up of years and years of contraction and self-centeredness… and I don’t say that as a bad thing, we are all self-centered and we can’t help it.
None of it is our doing… we just end up taking responsibility for all that happened, all our reactions and actions but it’s all genetic, internal and external conditioning and our particular mind-body tendencies.
It’s so miraculous… ‘I’ never did anything. There was never an ‘I.’
Anyway, it seems easier and easier to be happy or it’s just naturally, effortlessly arising and I can’t really believe the old stories of guilt, judgement, blame, shame, hatred, disgust, comparison, annoyance etc… all the things that are in relation to a ‘me’ just isn’t believed in. They arise but they’re loosing their gravity.
There’s just happiness. An okay-ness. A peace. A contentment. And it’s not because of anything. It’s just a simple ‘how it is.’
Like right now I can tell that that intense annoyance and judgment toward [a dear friend] is diminishing and it was really strong in July I think. The seeming change is palpable and so noticeable… in the timeline.
It seems like there’s just an opening. Like there’s an experience of everything and no central experiencer. Like the body still functions as it does and perceives the same but something loosened within and now everything ‘outside’ the body seems the same as ‘inside.’ It just all feels like one or unified. No separation. There is no me experiencing that, or in relation to that, the outside world. It’s just what is. it’s just experiencing… but even that is one step too far… it’s literally just this. More immediate than immediate.
So a sick body is not for anyone. It’s not happening to anyone. It’s just what’s there. There’s no problem. It’s not a problem at all. It’s just what is. That doesn’t mean taking care of it can’t happen, no-one is doing that either. I can clearly see that it was that personal energy that claimed everything as its own. It took ownership of everything. Of the body especially and everything that happened to the body, happened to itself. But that was never true. It was just what was appearing. No meaning… doesn’t say anything about a ‘me.’ It’s just what is.
Yeah it feels like there’s no border.
And I can totally understand why every human being feels the way they do. Feels like they are located in the body and there is separation. An in-here, and out-there. And there’s nothing they can do about it. It’s not their fault. The fears and desires are not their fault. That’s completely naturally. The desperation and neediness. It’s not anyone’s fault. Of course a living organism that felt separate and went through what they experienced in that lifetime would act the way they did. And also considering the ‘karma’ of the body-mind that’s from an accumulation of different lifetimes… like we can’t know what the conditioning is in every apparent individual… and that’s just a part of the story, part of the timeline, the ‘me’ is the timeline. So that’s not really real either, that too is just this, that too is just what’s appearing to happen. But there is no individual to claim any of it. It’s not them, it doesn’t define anyone. There’s no-one there. It’s just what it is. And that’s it. So simple. No need to blame, no need to feel guilty… it’s all just what’s appearing. And we have no idea why or how… there’s just vast, wide-open nothingness and not knowing anything. We literally don’t know anything.
And there is no ‘we’ to know or not know. There’s just unknowing.