[March 6, 2022] This entry can be sorely misinterpreted. This is just an expression of agitation and annoyance that arose at that apparent time. No more meaning or importance to it than a pure expression of joy and love. Same, same but different. There’s a lot of love and fond-ness for ‘my teacher’ now but there was a deep sense of devastation at that apparent time.
I feel like I’m seeing over and over again how much bullshit everything was. The person that was trying to be nice and trying to be helpful and afraid of what others will think of her and how she then hated others and resented them…. It’s all bullshit. We’re all selfish and self-centered and that’s just how it is. We all have our blindspots and they can get more and more ‘subtle’ but the person will always have this because it’s just a false self. It’s not real. It’s not real. It doesn’t exist… why am I trying to fix something that isn’t real? Who’s the one that’s blaming others. Who’s the one that feels bad? Who’s the one who felt like it’s not a big deal to force oneself to talk to someone that one really disliked… Who’s the one who’s getting something out of doing that? Who feels a bit more validated and liked by talking to someone who is desperate and needy? Who’s the one judging the neediness… isn’t it itself inherently needy? And isn’t that natural? Isn’t that expected?
All of this dissecting yourself and others… it’s all meaningless and pointless. There is no point, there is no meaning. And there’s bullshit in [my teacher] as well… like she’s identified too and she doesn’t know it.
I’m identified right now and I don’t know it.
So who the fuck cares. It’s all meaningless and pointless and it’s just what is. it’s just miraculously what is. it’s not this or that. Leave it alone. Leave the dream alone. Why are you validating the dream by saying that someone needs to be healed?
Just be care-free. Cause who the f*ck cares. There’s a strong tendency in the person to do and say things that are based on being a good and loving person. Stop the stress. Stop it. Just stop it. Do whatever feels most natural. F*ck it. And stop trying to be natural and authentic. Just be it. If that’s what’s happening, that’s just what’s happening. No-one is doing or being that way.
Everyone is full of shit. Everyone is ridiculous. Everyone is lost. Everyone doesn’t know anything because there is no real self. There is no person. None of it is real. None of it matters because it’s all fake. There’s no one here. There’s no one anywhere. It’s just a mystery animating everything. And we don’t know what that is. We have no idea who we are… and I’ve been expecting to find out who I am… and saying that I’m the space, I’m the mystery, I’m the nothingness… no, you have no idea. And no one knows. We’re all nowhere and nothing. That’s it. There’s no one here.
Hello!… No one is saying hello.
It was all for nothing, nothing ever happened. No one knows anything.
No doctor knows shit. No politician knows shit. No one knows shit because there’s no one there. It’s a fucking dream. It’s a mirage. It’s smoke and mirrors. It’s not real! And it’s never been real. This is all bullshit. Mysterious, unknown bullshit. And the bullshit is tainted with the feeling of the ‘person’ that really believes it’s there. In a way it’s unbelievable. How the hell is this possible?
There’s nothing to hold onto. Nothing to grasp. Nothing to know. No one knows shit.
It’s like, just do what feels good. There’s no one doing it. It’s just the mystery doing everything. So just do what feels good.