I want to expose that there’s this strong pattern that says ‘when is this little girl energy gonna go away.’ And that’s exactly what is perpetuating the feeling of rejection, not enough-ness, void, loneliness, sadness, frustration, anger, disgust, agitation, etc. it’s exactly how we were taught to relate to our feelings. To run, hide, avoid, suppress, cover-up, mask, paint on top of, use it to create art… everything but feel it, be with it or allow it. And that’s the voice that’s talking, it’s the little me that learned to run away. The one that has been running around the world trying to find herself, trying to heal herself… and all this time she was running from herself and never able to really escape. And never learning to just be with what is, to feel the feeling and drop the resistance. Until now.
Love her. Love yourself. That little girl got you to this point in life. She has been a wonderful companion. Why do you want to kick her out of the car?
That’s cruel. And that’s how I’ve been dealing with things that I felt shame around, I tried to erase it, as if it didn’t happen. And I’m now remembering those times at [my first workplace] where when I froze and made a fool of myself when presenting, I just tried to bury and erase the memory. And that’s how I dealt with it. With the pain and embarrassment of things cause it was so so painful and shameful… I couldn’t stand to look at myself. And in subtler and subtler ways, I’m still doing that… understandably… it’s a strong pattern that’s been practiced for years and years.
And now it’s time to see it when it arises for what it is… not true. It’s just Little Suzanne doing what she learned: avoiding and trying to bury. That trauma of hating oneself and feeling the need to hide and suppress started so young… and it triggers the fight-flight-freeze response for sure. And that was all innocent. I was never at fault for it. Nor were my parents.
But now, as the parent, as God, as source, as unconditional love and light… I can just see that too with love and allow that movement to be here too… it’s not a problem. It can be here too. I understand you want to run. I get it. But now I’m here with you to feel everything. And nothing is impossible. It has never been impossible but now it’s much easier because you knowingly have the support of the whole universe. And it’s always been there, always there for you, always wanting to give you everything. And now you know that and can live with more and more open arms. Wider and wider open heart.
The best thing I can do is to feel the feeling. All the way through. The best thing I can do is meditate more and be present in the body, be there for the little one. And everything in life will become naturally easier and easier… effortlessly. Without me even trying. Just like how I got this apartment, with all the furniture I needed, and the reasonable price. With the massive windows I’ve always wanted. With the trees surrounding the place. With nature close by. In a beautiful neighborhood. I’ve been blessed and all of life can be this way too.