Tired of hiding

I’m getting this feeling like I’m tired of hiding. Tired of hiding behind a personality, art, design, yoga, meditation. Tired of trying to do things that are close to what I want to do but not quite it. I feel like I’ve tried to stay on the outskirts my whole life cause I was ruled by fear. There’s a little bit of a mean voice that wants to preach… like I know what you don’t. You’re hiding behind your profession, your kids, your partner, your pet, food, books, knowledge, etc.
It’s the ego trying to grab hold and take the lead again and it has this distorted, twisted sense of pleasure. Like if I tell someone they’re wrong and if I point out how much they don’t have their shit together, that’ll feel good… and
it’s clearly the ego cause it’s trying to gain a distorted sense of pleasure by putting another down.
I’m seeing that tendency and it’s apparent in when I talk to people, there’s this unconscious preacher that just keeps talking and talking and talking and getting off on it. Feeding on a false sense of superiority and I want to stay aware of that.
I can see how preachers, priest, spiritual teachers can get a high and have their ego unconsciously take over and be disguised as a really really subtle yet righteous spiritual ego.
I think it’s important o empty oneself. To know that there is no one but God.
To recognize the innocence of the ego and just be aware of it, lovingly aware.
It just wants attention and love. it wants to be seen, so when you do that as awareness and give it all the attention and love and validation it needs without identifying with it and believing it’s you, then it has no reason to
externally act out and try to get it externally.
I want to also be aware that there’s a past pattern of pleasing and uplifting other people’s egos because that’s the way that I manipulated the way I felt…
I forced positivity rather than learning to be with whatever feeling was there in the moment… subtle way of avoidance.
It seems like when the ego likes someone, it tries to make their ego feel better by complimenting them. And when my ego doesn’t like someone, it tries to put their ego down, but now in a subtle way because ‘I’m spiritual.’
I want to also be aware of how the ego hates itself and judges itself… it loves and hates everything. It’s always for or against, it wants to soothe/heal/help or put down, ridicule, avoid, suppress… so if there’s any movement that I feed or believe to be true, there will be and has to be the opposite reaction and effect that arises from that. I think this is karma. So if I take on this role of the helper, fixer and savior… then the inevitable flip side will come out as well… the hater, judger, seeker of perfection, blamer, the one that’s burnt out, fed-up, gives-up…. It’s not sustainable.
The only sustainable way to stay empty and know that there is no person here is to know that there is no real mask here… it’s all a play, it’s all a role… it may be consciousness played but if there isn’t vigilance then it can
easily take over and snow ball.
It’s really best to stay neutral and not pick up anything.
And it requires consistent radical honesty.
It takes a true hearts intention to just purely be of highest good.
It takes true purity.
It takes true unconditional love and wisdom.
And I know this is the only way to freedom.
I know this is my path.
The pathless path.

I want to expose that there is this strong pattern that says ‘when is this little-girl-energy gonna go away.’ And that’s exactly what is perpetuating the feeling of rejection, not enough-ness, void, lonliness, sadness, frustration, anger, disgust, agitation, etc. it’s exactly how we were taught to relate to our feelings. To run, hide, avoid, suppress, cover-up, mask, paint on top of, use to create something from… everything but feel it. And that’s the voice that’s talking, it’s the little me that learned to run away. The one that has been running around the world trying to find herself, trying to heal herself… and all this time she was running from herself and never able to really escape. And never learning to just be with what is, to feel the feeling and drop the resistance. Until now.
Love her. Love yourself. That little girl got you to this point in life. She has been a wonderful companion. Why do you want to kick her out of the car?
That’s cruel. And that is how I’ve been dealing with things that I felt shame around, I tried to erase it, as if it didn’t happen. And I’m now remembering those times at [my first workplace] where when I froze and made a fool of myself when presenting, I just tried to bury and erase the memory. And that’s how I dealt with it. With the pain and embarrassment of things cause it was so so painful and shameful… I couldn’t stand to look at myself. And in subtler
and subtler ways, I’m still doing that… understandably… it’s a strong pattern that’s been practiced for years and years.
And now it’s time to see it when it arises for what it is… not true. It’s just Little Suzanne doing what she learned and avoiding and trying to bury. That trauma of hating oneself and feeling the need to hide and suppressed started so young… and it triggers the fight-flight-freeze response for sure. And that was all innocent. I was never at fault for it. Nor were my parents.

But now, as the parent, as God, as source, as unconditional love and light… I can just see that too with love and allow that movement to be here too… it’s not a problem. It can be here too. I understand you want to run. I get it. But now I’m here with you to feel everything. And nothing is impossible. It has never been impossible but now it’s much easier because you knowingly have the support of the whole universe. And it’s always been there, always there for you, always wanting to give you everything. And now you know that and can live with more and more open arms. Wider and wider open heart.
The best thing I can do is to feel the feeling. All the way through. The best thing I can do is meditate more and be present in the body, be there for the little one. And everything in life will become naturally easier and easier… effortlessly. Without me even trying. Just like how I got this apartment, with all the furniture I needed, and the reasonable price. With the massive windows I’ve always wanted. With the trees surrounding the place. With nature close by. In a beautiful neighborhood. I’ve been blessed and all of life can be this way too.