Past couple days have not been easy.
It seems to me that the mind has been able to get a hold of my state of being for the majority of this month. Perhaps it has been the state of limbo in my life and as the time came nearer and nearer to see people from my past, the more of the past ways of thinking and being came creeping up again.
And it’s been nice to see how negative, harsh, judgmental and sad the narrative is. The self talk is so harsh. No wonder why I’ve been unhappy and miserable most of my life.
This morning I could sense that there was a heaviness, sadness, hopelessness, negativity looming over me. The thoughts were negative and a huge downer.
I kept reminding myself not to believe the thoughts, they are just an expression of the past, of conditioning, of a habitual way of being from the past. And it’s all not true, it doesn’t speak the truth.
I was able to be with it as awareness. And eventually it dissipated. I could feel and sense that a higher state of consciousness was becoming accessible.
Naturally, more positive thoughts arose and much more peace and happiness was there. I was just resting. There was a sense of okay-ness and a sense that life didn’t have to be taken so seriously. I’m not here to be hard on
myself and to push myself. I’m here to just be and enjoy.
It’s the total opposite of everything we’ve been taught,.
And I can see how all the self-help that I sought out was unintentionally suppressing everything.
And it does seem like the past 8 months have been allowing the buried past to come up and be seen. Less and less in judgment. More and more with understanding that’s the conditioning that this body and mind was exposed to and it’s understandable that the most familiar state is sadness, depression and hopelessness.
It makes sense that I needed to step away from people from my past for a while to see that I could actually not engage with the conditioning that is within the system. And prior to that even see that all the chaos and drama in
my life had been a manifestation of the conditioning that I unconsciously lived by and acted from.
And knowing this, there’s more and more understanding and acceptance and much less judgement. Cause I see it’s not me. And I understand why it’s been so strongly engrained.
And self hatred is not necessary at all, in fact it’s what’s been keeping me tied to the past, unable to let go.
And another huge part seems like I had to finally stop being interested in what the mind was saying. Period. Not
interested at all. Just allowing it to play out as it was, to say whatever it was saying and know that it’s an expression of past pain and it doesn’t speak the truth at all.
I can see that peace comes from within me. I can see that happiness comes from within me. And the access point is the understanding and love and acceptance of past conditioning that could be arising in this very moment and not shunning it away, not attaching to it or identifying with it… just allowing it to be there, exactly as it is. No change needed. Just space, love, gentle holding. It’s remarkable the transformation that happens.
I think the old state of mind and being sees everything in a negative light, as a threat, as against me, as scary… it’s a feeling like the whole world is against me. Life is hard. Life is difficult. What’s the point. I hate myself. I’d rather not
be here… that’s the dark cloud that I’ve been living under for years and years.
And I’ve finally found the actual answer to transforming the darkness into light. And it’s not an easy task… you have to change your identity. You have to have or build or cultivate the conviction that every thought is not true. You have to be willing to feel every feeling. You have to be willing to go against the resistance of the mind. You have to have faith that life, God, the universe is supporting you in this one thousand percent. You have to know that you are not the body nor the mind.
I can sense the subtle movements of the mind that seems to oscillate from meaninglessness to superiority. From hopelessness to savior. It’s becoming more and more clear to me the tricks of the mind. And it’s not as strong as
before, because as a misidentification is happening, there’s a growing conviction within me every time that I observe the movements of the mind and conceptual identity, the less and less attachment there naturally is toward the changing. I can see how it’s not reliable, it’s not real, it doesn’t express the truth.
I can sense that I’ll be able to discern what is coming from truth and what is coming from an idea or concept.
It’s kind of unbelievable how worried and full of anxiety and self-doubt and insecurity I was feeling a couple hours ago and how now I feel confident and sure and okay and at peace.
It’s so crazy how untrue the mind and states of being are. This state of peace that is coursing through the body is more of a natural perfume and essence of the truth but it is still observed and watched from the real. If I become attached to the perfume of the real, then soon enough I will fall into the trap of feeling lost, hopeless and helpless.
It is really interesting to see the truth of things and see how your experience of life literally changes based on what you believe and what you (unconsciously or consciously) choose to put your attention on and feed… either by attaching/identifying or pushing away with aversion. Our choice is powerful and it’s crazy just how powerful our energy is. It can literally shift things in a moment.