I (almost) wouldn’t wish this on anyone

It’s difficult to release all the emotional states and depressive thoughts that I went through as a child… a memory of how sad and miserable I was in middle school popped up as I was feeling in the body… twitching in the face mostly but there’s tension in the stomach as well… it does seem like layers and layer of trauma are held there.
It was a feeling of hating myself… hating how I looked, hating school, hating life, feeling so down, not wanting to do anything, not feeling happy about any achievement. Sensing how sad dad was, how miserable he was… how miserable we all were.
It’s bringing me back to that place where I was sad, everyone was sad.
No happiness… void of happiness.
Just depression.
I do sense this vastness with this depression. I can remind myself that this is just coming up to be seen, don’t believe any thought, it doesn’t speak the truth, it just wants to be seen. I’m not collapsing into the depression but it’s not pleasant… there’s a wish to not feel this way… and there’s a tendency to go outward and blame others but then I remind myself of their innocence and just how miserable they were and how they were unable to do and act any other way…
I’m remembering that basement environment. How gloomy and damp and dark it was… in every way. How depressed our dog was.
There was just so much sadness.
So much loneliness.
I’m able to hold myself and tell myself that everything is okay, I’m safe, I never did anything wrong, I’m okay, everything is okay. I’m able to see that the body really is traumatized and I’m able to see just how detached I’ve
become from it.
Man, this is not easy.
I felt a strong wave of loneliness and extreme doubt about whether this is healthy for me and if I’m just further isolating myself.
But I did everything [my teacher] taught us and I was gentle and compassionate and touched my arm as I felt what I labelled as loneliness and a lot of tears came and I just kept saying ‘I’m here, it’s okay. You’re doing great.’ And I could sense that I wasn’t the loneliness, I wasn’t the fear and doubt… there was space, aware of it all… indescribable. And I was that. I am that. The experience of the body-mind seems like me out of habit and conditioning but I can feel a subtle yet huge shift happening…
So it’s about not identifying with anything that arises cause anything that can be perceived is not me… and therefore anything can arise and I’m detached from it. But fully embodied and here for this body. It’s more about becoming a master at relating to the mind and body in the truest way… most real way.
Knowing who I am and allowing and just observing everything that arises with compassion and gentleness.
I think this was really necessary… this really humbled me… I don’t have a desire to preach or teach this to anyone. This is really a hero’s journey… to face your past and traumas and mind and body like this is no easy task.
I think now my arrogance that was coming from an aversion to people who weren’t on this path and looking down on them and feeling this urge to tell them the truth and that they’re ignorant… that has turned to deep understanding and compassion for how difficult the human condition really is.
I almost wouldn’t wish this path on anyone… sounds weird cause it’s also the most love and joy I’ve ever experienced… as if I were on drugs but so much better… and yet these past 3 weeks have been almost like hell… I got bursts of expansion and feeling filled with love but they were short lived compared to how sick I felt from the turmoil of the mind.
It’s so much consistent dedication and it’s the coming back over and over again that shows us how tormenting the mind really is. How much suffering it produces and how it tries to blame everything but itself on it’s own self-created suffering.
It’s such a trickster.
It’s hard to see clearly and it is true that the best way to navigate through moments when I’m triggered is to not believe any thoughts whatsoever…
Not only did this humble me but it also opened the door to wanting to just connect with people for the sake of connecting, not to help or heal or teach or change them…
I see that all this was necessary… but man, it’s painful.