We are all just sleep walking

I met [my teacher] for the first time yesterday in real time and I definitely felt an intense aliveness in my body. Everything was vibrating and a lot of energy was in my arms and hands. My heart was beating really loudly.
I didn’t expect to cry but I did.
And she told me to surrender fully to this and allow my heart to break wide open.
My mind didn’t really know what to do and just kept repeating the meeting over and over afterwards. But there was still distance, I could see it just attach to this happening and trying to make something bigger out of it.
I woke up with a bit of tightness, I think it was energy building up in my system, around the heart area mostly.
Little by little I can feel ‘rewiring’ in my head and brain… like electricity sparks… resembles little headaches but they pass very quickly.
This morning I surrendered and just thanked God for everything and prayed that I only want to know God, I surrender everything else. Everything. I want nothing but this. And I just cried and cried and it morphed into laughing and crying and I coughed and coughed.
I could feel a lightness, like the crying before had been sorrowful and sad but this time it was joyous and I felt so deeply grateful. Everything was love.
Everything was made out of pure love and perfection. Everything and I felt is so deeply, profoundly and truly just love… Even all the suffering I went through, how lost I was, it was all Divine. Sometimes I think of all the people suffering and wishing them freedom, then I also see the perfection in all the seemingly imperfectness of duality.
Thoughts can still come of past stories and past relationships (mom, boyfriends, dad, sister, friends….) and I feel like they don’t trigger me. It’s not the same anymore. That feeling of guilt, burden, sadness, loneliness, neediness, agitation, aggravation, anger… it’s just not the same anymore and I didn’t know that was possible. This was the conditioning, the karma that kept me stuck in a loop and the same cycle, attracting the same dynamics… because I believed it to be true.
Disregarding my mind as untrue, all the thoughts as untrue has been a saving grace. As difficult as it was, and how convincing it was because it would trigger these ‘intense’ and ‘scary’ and ‘uncomfortable’ emotions and sensations… I didn’t know that freedom would feel like this. I feel unburdened. And it was all within me.
Sure, when I was easily triggered, it was helpful to distance myself physically to not get so overwhelmed by how much I was triggered… but now I see that it was all within me.
And space and silence and solitude was necessary for me to recognize that and face these parts that I’ve been running away from for so long.
Perhaps before I felt like the awareness that was holding 5 year old me in its arms, but I still felt like a person doing that. Now I can feel that I am beyond that, a presence of the person Suzanne, loving her and fully accepting her just as she is. Allowing her to rest her head and reassuring her that all will be taken care of now. And this beyond-ness is the whole. Is the one consciousness that everything arises from.
Nothing can affect it… it is unshakable. And it’s a completely different dimension than what can be understood by the human and the mind. It’s what created the human and the mind and so it cannot be understood and
encapsulated by the person. Let go of the person, and merge with the ONE.
Know yourself to be the one and all is ok. Everything is perfect. Everything is so beautiful.
This self-consciousness that burdened me so much is dissolving, merging with the whole. Understanding that it is just one expression out of the billions of humans and we are all essentially emptiness, pure being, pure light, pure
And from the human perspective… we are all just sleep walking. Believing everything is as we think it is, yet nothing is like it actually seems.
It isn’t real in the way we think it is. Through the filter of beliefs, stories, conditioning, false identification, we see everything from a very limited peep-hole. Let go of all of that, and then we merge with everything and have a much much larger taste of the real… behind the scenes and beyond. We are completely unattached to any form because we are not a form anymore, we are consciousness and therefore we are all forms. We are everything and nobody. We are no-thing.
I suppose it just keeps revealing itself the more I surrender. I have found my true way home and I’m excited. I’m really excited about life and being alive.