There’s a seeing that it was never my doing. It was never up to me. I was never the doer of deeds, the thinker of thoughts, the feeler of feelings… it has always been an amazing trick and how could you not fall for it. It seems seamless.
All of these happenings seem to happen to a someone. Who is it? Can you find it? There’s nothing there, there’s no one here. No one is at the center of it. God, divine, the mystery of everything is experiencing something we call life through that particular vantage point… seemingly through that body but is anyone really in there? Is there even a God? Is there even an ultimate experiencer or witness? Who would even know that?
Is anyone really thinking thoughts, feeling feelings and doing deeds? Or is it all an appearance that we have no control over. It’s all just happening. We make decisions based on the thoughts, emotions, conditioning, beliefs and programming that the body-mind was exposed to… We didn’t choose where we were born, who our parents were, our circumstances, how we look, how the body and mind function…
‘We’ gain a false sense of hope through latching onto meaning, purpose, beliefs… and when we actually start to entertain the possibility of being completely disarmed, then it’s seen that we have always been weapon-less. Totally naked. Nothing really defined ‘us,’ we never really had anything, we see that we have been empty and empty-handed all along. There is no core to anything… it just dissolves back into what it came from… nothing. Not in a negative or dark way… no it’s a mysterious, unknown aliveness that cannot be named or described…
All we know is that we are here… not as a conceptual person that has a past or future. No, we are just simply here… as what? We have no idea. We have no idea who we actually are… We know what we’re not, we’re not this body and yet we are.
Perhaps even ‘we are here’ is confusing… perhaps it’s clearer to say ‘this is it.’ That’s it.
What else can you really say for sure?
I know I’m here but not as a human, not as an entity… I’m just here… or rather, there’s just here-ness. But for no-one.
This life, this existence is a total and utter mystery and we were closer to it as children (apparently) because we didn’t know anything and that was acceptable, that was expected and that was closer to the ‘truth’. We grow up and start making up things and trying to figure things out and believing we know certain things but in truth we have no idea what anything is… In a certain limited closed box of ideas and concepts we can say certain things that will satisfy the mind but in truth… ultimately, we have no idea. No clue whatsoever.
How can anything that is created, that is appearing, know what was ‘before’ its own creation?
The best we can do is understand and see that we are not that which is appearing… we are not the body, the thoughts, the feelings, the beliefs, the concepts. We are not who we think we are.
We are most free and liberated and at peace when we stay in that unknown, because it is the closest thing to truth. And really, there is no truth.
And it seems to me that anything that is false is constantly searching for truth. it’s never able to settle and rest because it is uncomfortable, it is lacking, it feels un-whole and is seeking for completion, fulfillment, happiness… it wants to know its maker, it’s ‘true self’.
Ultimately, that which seeks is not real, it’s an illusion and you dissolve back into and as the maker. And then it’s seen that there is no maker… or if there is, that too is nothing. You become God… You are God. Not as an entity, not as a something or a somebody… but rather as an unknown mystery of all of this. You are the here-ness for this particular experience through this particular body and mind. You are that here-ness beyond the imagined, constructed, configured person. And that ‘you’ I am referring to is not there. To refer to a ‘you’ seems misleading. Because it’s just this. Just thing nothing-ness.
The here-ness could care less about what happens to the body and mind… not in a harsh way. it’s not personal at all. It’s just an empty, vast, void of all possibilities so why would it ever prefer one outcome over another. Everything is ‘allowed’ and yet there is no-one and no-thing allowing. It just is.
That person you think you are, that sense of self that everything refers back to, is a dream. When investigated, no-one is there. It’s the greatest trick known to man. And it’s so hard to catch, seemingly impossible because it owns and claims everything before you know it. It itself is the very illusion, it’s own reality. Then that ‘me’ sense claims to know, it claims to be aware, it claims to be better than or worse than… that very movement is the sense of self, the person, the owner, the seeker, the mind and you are beyond that. Scratch that… there just is no you. It’s all just appearing to happen, for no-one.
This is a mysterious here-ness, is-ness, emptiness, wholeness. Completely indescribable, ungraspable and unknowable. Impossible to explain.
One Reply to “It’s always been just this”
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