Existential Crisis

Sometimes I get this nauseous feeling. Like when some deep inquiry has been done… Who’s the one who cares? Who wants this? Who fears that? etc… I sometimes feel nauseous and like my stomach is turning and I feel a bit dizzy and disoriented. Like I’m loosing stability.

This time it was a lot but there was a natural acceptance of it cause that too is this. Nothing is wrong or right. It’s just what’s happening. 

I feel as if the ‘me’ is really scared and doesn’t want to die which is understandable. 

But there’s this seeing that that whole mechanism, effect, construct of the ‘me’ is not real… it is an appearance within everything that is nothing. There’s literally nothing wrong with it. It too is wholeness. It is complete. Everything is already perfect. In all of its chaos and messiness. All of it. This is unconditional love. It has NOTHING to do with right or wrong, good or bad, liked or disliked, nice or mean, innocent or guilty… it has absolutely nothing to do with any of that. It’s inclusive of everything. EVERYTHING. No matter what it looks like or how it feels. So the ‘me’ feeling like it wants to die and feeling depressed and lost and sick and nauseous… that’s it too. Already. 

As I was laying down with this storm of confusion and discomfort in the tummy… there was a storm of thoughts and I see how they were all cries from the ‘me’ and they were all unreal. Nothing really took hold. Nothing was believed in. And it was the old, familiar thoughts… you suck, you’re not good enough, there’s no point, just die, I don’t want to be here anymore… and there was a seeing that that wasn’t real… and who’s the ‘reporter’ right now? Who is writing this? No-one? 

It doesn’t matter if the ‘me’ is gone or not because it’s already unconditional freedom. It literally doesn’t matter. Who’s the one who cares? Is that one real? 

Do you see how the mind just ties itself into knots… there’s no way out. It’s already this. 

All the thoughts were so negative and about death. Everything that was nasty and harsh and mean came up.

Then there was love and well-being and wishing everyone the best.

I couldn’t help but feel like all that trying to be positive and grateful for the past couple months and maybe even years just brought about this sling shot effect… I mean maybe not, it’s hard to tell. Maybe it was just the ‘me’ energy and it wanting to die and feeling hopeless and in despair.

It’s been a while since I felt that shitty and so it was intense. But that too is utter perfection, this is it too, it’s just the ‘me’ that really doesn’t want this but that is perfection too… it’s all wholeness appearing as anything and everything.

At times, I really don’t see why… I mean all of this has no meaning but it feels so painful to be alive. So painful. To be human is so painful… yes there is a lot of joy and beauty but man, the suffering is enormous. But that’s unconditional love… everything can appear… at any moment, whenever… without rhyme or reason. There’s no one here to know why… there is no meaning to anything. 

All that effort in meaning and purpose… gone.

All of that trying to be positive… gone.

All the hope that there’s improvement… gone.

All the trying to follow my intuition… gone.

All the hope for a better future… gone. 

All the hope for a better me… gone.

This is it. 

There’s nothing missing.

And there has never been anything missing.

Everything is such utter bullshit… says the ‘Me’ when it’s upset.

Everything is unconditioned love… says the ‘Me’ when it feels relaxed.

There is nothing to do. Nothing to get to. Nothing to fix. Nowhere else to go… and life goes on, living keeps happening…there was never a you doing any of it. 

The ‘me’ is acting really manic… cause it’s free to be whatever way it wants, at least more than ever before.

And it’s just being natural… it’s loosing steam though… the body and mind is tired.