March 2, 2022
Nothing ever happened
Nothing ever really existed
Everything seems to turn to dust
It’s all nothing-ness everything-ing
This is all so hauntingly beautiful
It’s soothingly terrifying…
Everything goes back to dust
Vanishes into ashes
Dissolves to nothing
And yet it doesn’t
because it never existed in the first place…
February 25, 2022 …Spiritual awakening may be the apparent falling away of a conceptual identity, perhaps a de-conditioning or re-programming process but that is not the same as this mysterious and unknowable dissolving of the ‘me’ sense that also never really happens. Spiritual awakening is for the ‘me,’ for the person. It’s a beautiful story and unfolding that is very convincing. It really seems like actual progress is being made… it actually feels like ‘you’ are moving through time and space becoming more pure and integrating your shadow side. And there’s nothing right or wrong with that. It’s absolutely beautiful. It can seemingly alleviate some pain and suffering… apparently. It can also become a new burden, a new cloak with lots of hidden agendas. A new way to enhance the ‘me’…
February 13, 2022
…There’s a memory of an appearance of a person with a life, with hopes and dreams, relationships and a heart-breaking, bitter-sweet past.
And now what remains?
Nothing but a thought
But that too is fleeting
Nothing to hold onto, nothing to own
No-one to have anything
It’s all a dream, a remarkable dream
A pleasant, surreal, horrific dream
And it never really happened…
January 4, 2022
l think the most devastating thing, before the ‘me’ really gave up control, was that it had planned its life as if it were the most important thing in the world. It itself was the most important thing in the world. ‘Me, myself and I’ was the center of the universe and everything revolved around me. And that’s devastating to really deeply get that it never existed, it’s not really real… living was totally and completely based on that sense, that was the foundation to everything and so much was built on top of it…
December 17, 2021
That neediness is endless… Endless… Nothing can satisfy it. It’s totally insatiable. A bottomless pit. Because it doesn’t actually exist. It isn’t really real. How can something that’s not real be fulfilled? There is no-one that can become complete and whole. There’s no-one that can be satisfied. No-one to know thyself. No-one that can know anything.
December 15, 2021
And before it seemed like there was an impulsive awareness that would come in and capture or try to retain and make meaning of this moment, happening, understanding, etc… but that seems to be fading… like that was the filter. The self-awareness, self-consciousness… It is simply just what is and nothing is a problem. Because problems are for some-one…
December 13, 2021
I couldn’t help but feel like all that trying to be positive and grateful for the past couple months and maybe even years just brought about this sling shot effect… I mean maybe not, it’s hard to tell. Maybe it was just the ‘me’ energy and it wanting to die and feeling hopeless and in despair.
It’s been a while since I felt that shitty and so it was intense. But that too is utter perfection, this is it too, it’s just the ‘me’ that really doesn’t want this but that is perfection too… it’s all wholeness appearing as anything and everything…
December 10, 2021
Nothing ever really happened. And there was no real cause and effect and order. Cause the brain creates seeming order and understanding and finds patterns. So how do you really know what’s real when everything is being experienced through an inherently limited tool? How can the mind know what ‘created’ it? Or in less loaded terms, how can it know what’s beyond it and simultaneously is it?
October 21, 2021
There’s a seeing that it was never my doing. It was never up to me. I was never the doer of deeds, the thinker of thoughts, the feeler of feelings… it has always been an amazing trick and how could you not fall for it. It seems seamless…
October 8, 2021 …It seems like there’s just an opening. Like there’s an experience of everything and no central experiencer. Like the body still functions as it does and perceives the same but something loosened within and now everything ‘outside’ the body seems the same as ‘inside.’ It just all feels like one or unified. No separation. There is no me experiencing that, or in relation to that, the outside world. It’s just what is. it’s just experiencing… but even that is one step too far… it’s literally just this. More immediate than immediate.
So a sick body is not for anyone. It’s not happening to anyone. It’s just what’s there. There’s no problem. It’s not a problem at all. It’s just what is. That doesn’t mean taking care of it can’t happen, no-one is doing that either. I can clearly see that it was that personal energy that claimed everything as its own. It took ownership of everything. Of the body especially and everything that happened to the body, happened to itself. But that was never true. It was just what was appearing. No meaning… doesn’t say anything about a ‘me.’ It’s just what is…