Who the f*ck cares?

October 6, 2021 …I feel like I’m seeing over and over again how much bullshit everything was. The person that was trying to be nice and trying to be helpful and afraid of what others will think of her and how she then hated others and resented them…. It’s all bullshit. We’re all selfish and self-centered and that’s just how it is. We all have our blindspots and they can get more and more ‘subtle’ but the person will always have this because it’s just a false self. It’s not real. It’s not real. It doesn’t exist… why am I trying to fix something that isn’t real? Who’s the one that’s blaming others. Who’s the one that feels bad? Who’s the one who felt like it’s not a big deal to force oneself to talk to someone that one really disliked… Who’s the one who’s getting something out of doing that? Who feels a bit more validated and liked by talking to someone who is desperate and needy? Who’s the one judging the neediness… isn’t it itself inherently needy? And isn’t that natural? Isn’t that expected?…

Little Suzanne

September 17, 2021 …there’s this strong pattern that says ‘when is this little-girl-energy gonna go away.’ And that’s exactly what is perpetuating the feeling of rejection, not enough-ness, void, loneliness, sadness, frustration, anger, disgust, agitation, etc. it’s exactly how we were taught to relate to our feelings. To run, hide, avoid, suppress, cover-up, mask, paint on top of, use it to create something from it… everything but feel it. And that’s the voice that’s talking, it’s the little me that learned to run away. The one that has been running around the world trying to find herself, trying to heal herself… and all this time she was running from herself and never able to really escape. And never learning to just be with what is, to feel the feeling and drop the resistance. Until now…

Tired of hiding

September 16, 2021 …I’m getting this feeling like I’m tired of hiding. Tired of hiding behind a personality, art, design, yoga, meditation. Tired of trying to do things that are close to what I want to do but not quite it. I feel like I’ve tried to stay on the outskirts my whole life cause I was ruled by fear. There’s a little bit of a mean voice that wants to preach… like I know what you don’t. You’re hiding behind your profession, your kids, your partner, your pet, food, books, knowledge, etc.
It’s the ego trying to grab hold and take the lead again and it has this distorted, twisted sense of pleasure. Like if I tell someone they’re wrong and if I point out how much they don’t have their shit together, that’ll feel good… and it’s clearly the ego cause it’s trying to gain a distorted sense of pleasure by putting another down…

Shift things in a moment

August 31, 2021 …It’s so crazy how untrue the mind and states of being are. This state of peace that is coursing through the body is more of a natural perfume and essence of the truth but it is still observed and watched from the real. If I become attached to the perfume of the real, then soon enough I will fall into the trap of feeling lost, hopeless and helpless.
It is really interesting to see the truth of things and see how your experience of life literally changes based on what you believe and what you (unconsciously or consciously) choose to put your attention on and feed… either by attaching/identifying or pushing away with aversion. Our choice is powerful and it’s crazy just how powerful our energy is. It can literally shift things in a moment…

I (almost) wouldn’t wish this on anyone

June 29, 2021 …I almost wouldn’t wish this path on anyone… sounds weird cause it’s also the most love and joy I’ve ever experienced… as if I were on drugs but so much better… and yet these past 3 weeks have been almost like hell… I got bursts of expansion and feeling filled with love but they were short lived compared to how sick I felt from the turmoil of the mind.
It’s so much consistent dedication and it’s the coming back over and over again that shows us how tormenting the mind really is. How much suffering it produces and how it tries to blame everything but itself on it’s own self-created suffering.
It’s such a trickster…

We are all just sleep walking

MARCH 1, 2021 …And from the human perspective… we are all just sleep walking. Believing everything is as we think it is, yet nothing is like it actually seems.
It isn’t real in the way we think it is. Through the filter of beliefs, stories, conditioning, false identification, we see everything from a very limited peep-hole. Let go of all of that, and then we merge with everything and have a much much larger taste of the real… behind the scenes and beyond. We are completely unattached to any form because we are not a form anymore, we are consciousness and therefore we are all forms. We are everything and nobody. We are no-thing…

Cultivating love

April 21, 2020 …There are moments where I look at my life in awe. It’s remarkable when I look back. How I got here makes sense… I guess. I did certain things that brought me here. I prioritized inner happiness and now I’m closer to it than ever before. I’m in a sanctuary amongst the mountains, a nunnery in Northern India. It’s a culmination of the environment, what I have learned here, my practice, my desire to transform fear into love that makes this a very special place. It all plays a role in why I feel the way that I do…

Begin where you are

April 20, 2020 …My fuel for growth and transcendence used to come from how much I was suffering. And maybe it’ll continuously be a sea-saw of suffering & growth, suffering & growth. All I know is that the more I practice and learn, the more well-equipped I feel to handle life’s challenges. I’m learning what exactly causes all of my suffering. I’m learning how to be in relationship with my thoughts, feelings and emotions. I’m learning how to view difficult situations…

Spiritual Awakening

April 20, 2020
I’ve been wiggling myself out of a tight, warm cocoon.
A part of me wanted to stay comfortable and in the familiar.
A part of me wants to break free even though I’m bruised.
A part of me enjoys it.
A part of me is exhausted.
I’m faced with myself over and over again.
Am I running away or am I coming home?…

Self-Love

April 19, 2020 …There were waves of tremendous pleasure followed by excruciating pain. Deep down I knew that this kind of instability and imbalance was not true love. The prominent question that kept re-emerging was: What is self-love and do I have it? Here’s what I’ve gathered so far:
Self-love is unapologetic permission to feel exactly how you feel. To accept all of you. To love the process of being and becoming. Self-love is completely being ok with who you are.
Exactly as you are…