Author: suzannetina@gmail.com

December 10, 2021
Nothing ever really happened. And there was no real cause and effect and order. Cause the brain creates seeming order and understanding and finds patterns. So how do you really know what’s real when everything is being experienced through an inherently limited tool? How can the mind know what ‘created’ it? Or in less loaded terms, how can it know what’s beyond it and simultaneously is it?

October 21, 2021
There’s a seeing that it was never my doing. It was never up to me. I was never the doer of deeds, the thinker of thoughts, the feeler of feelings… it has always been an amazing trick and how could you not fall for it. It seems seamless…

October 8, 2021 …It seems like there’s just an opening. Like there’s an experience of everything and no central experiencer. Like the body still functions as it does and perceives the same but something loosened within and now everything ‘outside’ the body seems the same as ‘inside.’ It just all feels like one or unified. No separation. There is no me experiencing that, or in relation to that, the outside world. It’s just what is. it’s just experiencing… but even that is one step too far… it’s literally just this. More immediate than immediate.
So a sick body is not for anyone. It’s not happening to anyone. It’s just what’s there. There’s no problem. It’s not a problem at all. It’s just what is. That doesn’t mean taking care of it can’t happen, no-one is doing that either. I can clearly see that it was that personal energy that claimed everything as its own. It took ownership of everything. Of the body especially and everything that happened to the body, happened to itself. But that was never true. It was just what was appearing. No meaning… doesn’t say anything about a ‘me.’ It’s just what is…

October 6, 2021 …I feel like I’m seeing over and over again how much bullshit everything was. The person that was trying to be nice and trying to be helpful and afraid of what others will think of her and how she then hated others and resented them…. It’s all bullshit. We’re all selfish and self-centered and that’s just how it is. We all have our blindspots and they can get more and more ‘subtle’ but the person will always have this because it’s just a false self. It’s not real. It’s not real. It doesn’t exist… why am I trying to fix something that isn’t real? Who’s the one that’s blaming others. Who’s the one that feels bad? Who’s the one who felt like it’s not a big deal to force oneself to talk to someone that one really disliked… Who’s the one who’s getting something out of doing that? Who feels a bit more validated and liked by talking to someone who is desperate and needy? Who’s the one judging the neediness… isn’t it itself inherently needy? And isn’t that natural? Isn’t that expected?…

September 17, 2021 …there’s this strong pattern that says ‘when is this little-girl-energy gonna go away.’ And that’s exactly what is perpetuating the feeling of rejection, not enough-ness, void, loneliness, sadness, frustration, anger, disgust, agitation, etc. it’s exactly how we were taught to relate to our feelings. To run, hide, avoid, suppress, cover-up, mask, paint on top of, use it to create something from it… everything but feel it. And that’s the voice that’s talking, it’s the little me that learned to run away. The one that has been running around the world trying to find herself, trying to heal herself… and all this time she was running from herself and never able to really escape. And never learning to just be with what is, to feel the feeling and drop the resistance. Until now…

September 16, 2021 …I’m getting this feeling like I’m tired of hiding. Tired of hiding behind a personality, art, design, yoga, meditation. Tired of trying to do things that are close to what I want to do but not quite it. I feel like I’ve tried to stay on the outskirts my whole life cause I was ruled by fear. There’s a little bit of a mean voice that wants to preach… like I know what you don’t. You’re hiding behind your profession, your kids, your partner, your pet, food, books, knowledge, etc.
It’s the ego trying to grab hold and take the lead again and it has this distorted, twisted sense of pleasure. Like if I tell someone they’re wrong and if I point out how much they don’t have their shit together, that’ll feel good… and it’s clearly the ego cause it’s trying to gain a distorted sense of pleasure by putting another down…

August 31, 2021 …It’s so crazy how untrue the mind and states of being are. This state of peace that is coursing through the body is more of a natural perfume and essence of the truth but it is still observed and watched from the real. If I become attached to the perfume of the real, then soon enough I will fall into the trap of feeling lost, hopeless and helpless.
It is really interesting to see the truth of things and see how your experience of life literally changes based on what you believe and what you (unconsciously or consciously) choose to put your attention on and feed… either by attaching/identifying or pushing away with aversion. Our choice is powerful and it’s crazy just how powerful our energy is. It can literally shift things in a moment…

June 29, 2021 …I almost wouldn’t wish this path on anyone… sounds weird cause it’s also the most love and joy I’ve ever experienced… as if I were on drugs but so much better… and yet these past 3 weeks have been almost like hell… I got bursts of expansion and feeling filled with love but they were short lived compared to how sick I felt from the turmoil of the mind.
It’s so much consistent dedication and it’s the coming back over and over again that shows us how tormenting the mind really is. How much suffering it produces and how it tries to blame everything but itself on it’s own self-created suffering.
It’s such a trickster…

MARCH 1, 2021 …And from the human perspective… we are all just sleep walking. Believing everything is as we think it is, yet nothing is like it actually seems.
It isn’t real in the way we think it is. Through the filter of beliefs, stories, conditioning, false identification, we see everything from a very limited peep-hole. Let go of all of that, and then we merge with everything and have a much much larger taste of the real… behind the scenes and beyond. We are completely unattached to any form because we are not a form anymore, we are consciousness and therefore we are all forms. We are everything and nobody. We are no-thing…

April 21, 2020 …There are moments where I look at my life in awe. It’s remarkable when I look back. How I got here makes sense… I guess. I did certain things that brought me here. I prioritized inner happiness and now I’m closer to it than ever before. I’m in a sanctuary amongst the mountains, a nunnery in Northern India. It’s a culmination of the environment, what I have learned here, my practice, my desire to transform fear into love that makes this a very special place. It all plays a role in why I feel the way that I do…